Parents who have a ‘close relationship’ with their older children never do 6 things
One of the most rewarding aspects of being a parent is watching your child grow from a toddler to an independent adult.
But it can also be one of the most difficult changes. Every parent hopes that their oldest child will still want to call, still want to come home, and still choose to take them in.
As an active parenting coach, I’ve studied over 200 children, and the pattern I see in parents who maintain deep, lasting bonds with their older children is about habits they’ve refused to follow.
1. They did not try to control their child
Listening and communicating are two very different things. From what I’ve seen, communication gets more cooperation than control ever will, and it creates relationships that I have to return to.
A parent who is good at building communication doesn’t have to have the last word or immediate compliance. They are often more interested in keeping the door open than proving a point.
That seems like resisting the urge to fix it right away and instead saying, “Let’s figure this out together.”
2. They did not express their child’s feelings
Telling a child “you’re fine” or “stop crying” does not change how they feel. It just teaches them not to say it out loud.
Parents who stay close do something deceptively simple: they make feelings feel safe. That sounds like you’re saying “that was really hard, huh?” instead of chasing a solution.
The next time your child experiences uncomfortable feelings, stay with the emotion instead of trying to push it away. Allow them to feel bad without making their anger a problem that you need to solve.
3. They did not try to change who their child was
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is trying to turn their child into an easy or acceptable person. It’s okay to let your child be who they are, even if it challenges you.
That may look like supporting a child who is more sensitive than expected, or not shutting down a “highly sensitive” personality. The key is to avoid making them feel like they are a problem to be solved.
Children who grow up feeling completely accepted do not go looking for that acceptance elsewhere. They stay close to the person who gave it to them first.
4. They never tie their child’s importance to success
Our job as parents is to let our children know that their worth is not on the line every time they succeed or fail.
Instead of focusing only on results like grades, wins or results, stay in touch with who your child is, not just what they do. It asks “how did you feel?” after the game instead of “how many points did you get?”
Be there after a failure like you are after a win.
5. They never judge their child at important times
Instead of helping the child to improve, judgment often leads him to hide his mistakes. Parents who live nearby make difficult times feel like the right time to come to them.
Replace “What were you thinking?” by saying “Talk to me about what happened.” Stay curious instead of going straight to the fix.
6. They did not avoid accountability
Apologies are powerful. When parents own up to their mistakes – such as overreaction or misunderstanding – it shows children that correction is part of a healthy relationship.
It might sound like: “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Don’t make excuses or try to blame your child.
Moments like that build the kind of trust kids don’t want to lose.
Reem Raouda she is a leading voice in conscious parenting and founded BOUND and FOUNDATIONS journals, now offered together as her own. Lots of Emotional Safety. He is widely recognized for his expertise in the emotional well-being of children and for redefining what it means to raise emotionally healthy children. Find him open Instagram.
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