11 Steps To End Those Who Cause You Pain
Read carefully the recommendations of a psychologist to end a toxic relationship of friendship, family, or partner
The most important, difficult, and painful thing is to identify that we are surrounded by toxic people, and we must try to cut those relationships as soon as possible. Sometimes it is the couple, others a brother or even mother or father, but it is also common to find friends who do not bring anything good to our lives.
The psychologist Irene López Assor, author of ‘ 10 obstacles that prevent you from being happy ‘, says that although friends are the ones with whom we spend most of the time and share all kinds of moments, many times they do not act as we would like, characteristic that would make us see that it is a toxic friend. If you have been able to identify that this particular person is hurting you, intentionally or not, and you decide to cut to the chase, carefully read the psychologist’s recommendations.
1. What binds me to that person?
Acknowledging the truth about that relationship is difficult, so we have to be very honest and ask ourselves: what is my true relationship with this person? What do I get out of that relationship? Does it bring me or does it drain me? In the words of Irene López Assor, when we have that feeling we are “beginning to fall into learned helplessness”, that is, we feel helpless when we talk to our friend, “that is why we have to cut it off at the root”.
2. Write a script
“We recommend before talking or making the decision to break that friendship to write a script for ourselves. It is not necessary for that toxic person to read it because the objective is to have an argument”, urges the expert. There are two clear ways to cut a toxic relationship: on the one hand, you talk and confront the person who hurts you in particular, the healthiest but the most difficult; or, we have it clear in our head, we release it little by little and we give until the relationship dies.
If you opt for the first option, the psychologist advises that you start with the personal script, “which is a tool so that we have everything clear in our heads” and with the counterargument made beforehand. The conversation we have is not only going to be hard, but we also have to take into account that this person is going to deny everything, from his victimhood, and his evil to his manipulation. “He is going to deny that he wants to be above us and in that denial it is part of his manipulation. The clearer we have the script, the easier it will be for us and the more difficult it will be for that person, “he says.
3. Be clear and concise
Are you going to talk to your toxic friend? Be direct, clear, and concise, so the above script allows us to get to the point. «To practice clarity in the presentation, we recommend doing it in front of the mirror before the conversation. Let’s observe our gestures, which give us security, and try different phrases and words. Let’s seek consistency at all times,” says Irene López Assor.
4. Define your limits
Once we are clear about everything we have to say, we have to set the limit; the full stop, strong, resounding, and convincing. “Let us always keep in mind that it is a thoughtful decision, not an impulsive one, so it is something studied and mature and adult decision-making. It is not necessary to be cruel, but assertive », he indicates.
One way that Irene López Assor proposes to end our friendship is to resort to the following phrase: “I feel that I am not getting anything from this relationship” or “you are not accompanying me as I would like”.
5. Set your limits
In the phrases that we say, let us make it clear that at this moment in life, that person is not there. No one forces us to be tied to a person for a lifetime, that is why it is so important to make it clear that for a while, or a lifetime, they will not be with us.
6. Delete her from social networks
We can ask you not to contact us, although whether you respect it or not is another matter. The author of ‘ 10 obstacles that prevent you from being happy ‘ urges not to answer his messages in case he tries to contact us via WhatsApp or any social network, and that we remain firm in the decision: «Delete your contact from the social networks. If we have decided that he is not going to be in our life, he should not find out what we do; the less information you have, the better.”
7. Reward yourself for limiting communication
Rewarding oneself is something extremely important, especially respect for oneself, love for ourselves: «We have to reward the limits we have set so as not to damage our self-esteem. We are not going to deny that a friendship hurts, but in the long run it is beneficial”, affirms Irene López Assor. Therefore, practice positive reinforcement with whatever you want.
8. Find ways to fill the void
At the beginning of this new stage, we will meet and feel alone. This is the main reason why toxic friendships are not left because we do not want to feel lonely and we lengthen the situations so as not to be at that point.
The first thing we have to do is understand that this emptiness is normal and that we will have to go through a little duel. We found a void that we did not expect. Let’s start finding leisure activities to lead us to create new social relationships. Let’s not look for soul friends, let’s just begin to feel that an immediate substitute is not needed at this time, nor the intensity of a deep friendship. The important thing is that we relate. Let’s give importance to the relationship, to social skills, and not so much importance to depth.
9. Accept uncomfortable feelings.
Dealing emotionally with the end of a friendship implies having uncomfortable feelings and it is absurd to think otherwise. “It is normal and what it touches, so recognizing uncomfortable feelings and emotions that are going to be negative will help us not to live in a reality that does not exist.”
10. Surround yourself with happy and positive people
Friendships should bring you some personal growth. Surround ourselves with positive and realistic people who make us feel at home. «The feeling of ‘being at home’ will make us feel that we are in a safe place and will increase our self- esteem », He tells.
11. Identify the pattern
And lastly and most importantly: if we have a toxic pattern with parents, with friends, with our partner, with children, if this pattern of toxicity is repeated throughout life, it means that we have a much more serious problem. deep. In reality, what we are doing is maintaining a toxic bond learned since we were children.
«If the first links were toxic, we will have that learned tendency to repeat them, unconsciously throughout life. In a part of the brain it is valid and suitable, therefore, we will always seek to repeat it to feel that we are being faithful to said pattern. », concludes the psychologist.
By identifying that toxic link we are going to put awareness and the limit on not allowing them to manipulate us again. When we were little we did not have tools, now as adults, we can already generate or learn them by ourselves and under our own premises and not the one imposed in our childhood.